In Defense of Curiosity

A bit of venting you might enjoy <3

Good morning! Hope you’re having a nice day so far. <3

Sometimes I write a post, and realize after it’s completed, that the post itself was not meant for public consumption. That in fact it was more of a journal entry, a venting session, better expressed in private, worked out over a cup of coffee or through a longwinded voice memo. I’ll sit down, type feverishly, include lengthy and minute details, jump from thought to thought without obvious connecting threads, exhaust myself completely, and leave the post unedited and unscheduled. Then I’ll think about it for a few days, process what I’m feeling, and eventually will feel new levels of clarity around the subject, lessons learned. I move on from the topic and the post remains in the drafts folder, unpublished, never to be seen by anyone else.

I have a number of these journal entry posts, often written from a place of frustration or anger, disappointment or bewilderment. The words are raw and grumbling, being worked out in real time, personal and opinionated. I read them later and ask myself, ‘would this actually be of value to anyone? Would this help anyone, or is it self indulgent and negative?’ As you probably know, I take purpose seriously and don’t like to share a post (or a song, poem, story, anything) with you all if I don’t feel it has any useful merit, if it doesn’t feel helpful in some way, if it doesn’t close with something interesting, a light of optimism, a lesson I’ve uncovered, hope of some kind. Asking you to spend your time with my words is a big deal to me, and I would not feel good about taking your time only to offer you senseless babble with a negative charge.

Last week I wrote the post below, and in my opinion, it felt like one of these journal entry venting sessions, so I decided not to publish it. I was feeling frustrated, annoyed with the world. Since writing the post, I’ve been able to let go of these particular frustrations, but this morning, while thinking of what to share with you all, I thought there might be someone out there who could benefit from the topic. So I read it again, and it wasn’t as negative or incoherent as I remembered. It’s a bit long and slightly unedited, but if you are so inclined, I invite you to peer into the inner workings of my brain on a particularly exasperated day. And if you like, I will share more of these emotionally charged journal entry posts, because maybe they are more helpful than I’m allowing them to be. After all, getting the thoughts out of my system helped me process it all, so maybe someone else experiencing the same situation could be needing these words too, to serve them as an understanding friend or support. In general, I don’t feel good about raw venting in a public forum, but I do feel positive about helping each other by talking about our shared experiences. Sometimes we just need some space to vent, and with the state of the world today, sometimes it’s nice just to know someone out there really understands.

So here is my complaint from last week. I hope it helps someone! Let me know if it does. :) I also have updates and tons of pictures from some recent performances, so the next couple posts after this will be celebratory and fun. :D

In the meantime, sending lots of love and good thoughts to you all, always. Have a wonderful day!!

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February 21, 2025

Good morning, everyone! Happy Friday. :)

As the week comes to a close, I thought I would clear my mind by sharing a bit of harmless (I think!) venting with you. Maybe you’ll be able to relate. It’s a topic that’s been on my mind quite a bit lately, so I thought, perhaps I’m not the only one having this experience. So please, if you like, pour yourself a mug of your favorite morning beverage, get comfortable, and allow me the chance to explain. Here we go. :)

One of my pet peeves is when a person gives advice/suggestions or unloads lengthy volumes of information onto another person without either 1. being invited to, 2. requesting and being granted permission to, or 3. inquiring about the other person’s level of knowledge and/or related experience first. It’s when Person A makes inappropriate assumptions, comes to a conclusion based on absolutely nothing at all, and decides Person B needs to be educated and they are the one for the job. When Person A sets up an unnecessary power dynamic that eradicates any notion of the two people as equals or unique individuals. When instead of playing ping pong, they decide to play hand ball. When instead of having a conversation, they make a presentation. There is no exchange. There is no back and forth. They talk about travel to a particular destination without asking (or simply ignoring) if the other person has been there already. They explain a concept or impart a life lesson without checking to see if it’s something the other person already knows about and lives by. They give big advice without asking permission. Try to comfort a person when they’re not sad. Tell them how to get better when they’re not sick. Explaining out of turn about anything - wellness, nutrition, food, skincare, self care, relationships, religion, parenting, travel, books, history, art, music, finances, taxes, shared career, anything. A lot of sentences that start with, ‘you should.’ Not only is this person asserting themselves as the sole knowledgable expert between the two, but they’re also refusing the opportunity to gain anything from the other person. Little to no effort is put towards getting to know them in a meaningful way. It’s made crystal clear what the boundaries are between them: Person A has decided there is nothing of note to glean from Person B, that Person B couldn’t possibly have any valuable wisdom, stories, tools, or knowledge of their own to share - at least nothing of interest or benefit to Person A.

When someone treats me (or anyone else) in this way, I am mostly struck by the unbelievable lack of curiosity. The complete disregard for my life, my story, for the fact that I am a complex and multi layered person just like them, just like everyone. I think about the missed opportunity and the false reality taking place. One person listens attentively and politely while being blatantly disrespected, and the other person takes to the spotlight without being asked to perform. Maybe they walk away afterwards feeling they’ve changed a life by imparting their personal brand of wisdom, patting themselves on the back for a good deed done. After all, they decided, without question, that the other person needed to hear what they just spoke, inserting themselves as a teacher, a role model, a mentor. Then, as quickly as they showed up, they move on with their day, forgetting about the interaction and the person. They were simply a passing student, a lucky duck. Or maybe this is an ongoing scenario, holding the other person as their personal project, viewing themselves as someone who is lifting them up, guiding them, helping to shape and lead them forward on their path.

I’m bringing this up today because this has been happening to me seemingly more than ever before. **Important note to make clear: I cherish the teachings of my mentors and teachers. I’ve always been eager to learn and I’ve been blessed to have incredible role models throughout my adult life. I seek out wisdom from others and I love to be surprised. I don’t have discomfort around saying ‘I don’t know.’ I like to immerse myself completely in a subject and I ask a lot of questions. I seek out those who know more than I do and I try to learn as much as possible from them. I try to have beginner’s mind as often as possible. The topic of this post is different than that, this inundation of unsolicited advice from unwanted sources is something entirely different, something that none of us enjoy, and I could be wrong, but I do not remember experiencing it before on such a regular basis.

Yesterday I brought this topic to a dear friend - someone whose wisdom I hold in high regard. She navigates a similar experience at her job, with colleagues disregarding her successes on a weekly basis, insisting she should ‘do things differently,’ meaning in their way, the way that was not working before. I personally believe that every experience is a possible opportunity to learn, that every person, even those (sometimes especially those) who make us uncomfortable or angry, can actually be an important teacher in our lives. So I asked my friend what lessons we were supposed to learn from our situations. She said these experiences are clear reminders that we are being too passive and complaisant, that in fact, *we need to advocate for ourselves.*

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Much of my professional training and education over the last 15 years has been centered around active listening and supporting others. Compassionate care for challenging life experiences, creating safe environments for individuals to explore the details of their own stories and make meaning from them. I’ve been trained in grief support, wellness counseling, and other forms of dynamic listening. I feel strongly that it’s part of my life’s purpose to serve as a listening ear in any capacity I can. I have learned the value of maintaining curiosity, the importance of being curious, to ask generative questions, to listen attentively, to be present in active silence. To hold back from trying to ‘fix’ a problem, to resist the human temptation to give advice too soon, if ever. I am solution based, so by default I love to launch into problem-solving mode, but that is not always necessary, and certainly not always appropriate. One of my teachers emphasized the necessity to ask more questions. When you think you’ve asked someone enough questions, think of one more. And sometimes that simply means to ask, ‘is there anything more,’ ‘what else,’ or the choice that is sometimes more effective and appreciated: to remain in attentive silence. Giving a person real space to share, without leading them, without interrupting their thought process, simply being present for them without haste. There might be silence for a few moments, but within that silence, new thoughts arise to the surface, and more often than not, those are the most important thoughts of all.

In 2018, another teacher emphasized the importance of always remembering, at all times, how complex and distinctive we all are: the decades of unique stories, characters, and memories that make up each one of our lives - layers upon layers upon layers upon layers. Culture, family, ancestry, relationships, personal history, experience. She illustrated for example, how long it takes us to know ourselves, how even after spending every instant of our time with this person, we are still getting to know ourselves. How then, she asked, could we ever be so arrogant to believe we could fully know and understand someone else so quickly, someone we’ve just met, someone whose just sat down with us? The idea that we could figure them out so fast is disrespectful to their life, to their story, to all they’ve been through. We are unique individuals and we are relational beings - there is so much to every one of us.

This isn’t the same as the way we might feel when meeting someone. We can pick up on cues, and yes, we can tell a lot about a person very quickly. But the energy we feel from someone after we’ve just met them doesn’t say enough about the details of their lives, the places they’ve been to, the trauma they’ve experienced, the subjects they’ve studied, the stories and wisdoms that make up their unique and sophisticated story. This is where we ask the questions, where our curiosity takes hold, where the space of mutual sharing leads the way forward. That’s when a real connection is made.

Another lesson this same teacher drove home for us, and that so many other mentors have echoed, is that of ‘roles.’ There should not be a notably felt power struggle between two people in a setting of sharing. For example, if someone came to me for a session of grief support, therapeutic sound, reiki, or anything else, I would not desire for there to be any sort of power struggle between us. The session and the work that we do together is a collaboration, and at the end of the day, I want the other person to feel in charge of their own wellness, at the helm, the captain of their experience. That’s certainly the way I like to feel, too. It doesn’t feel good to have someone insist on any sort of unneeded control dynamic, where you can sense their belief in being ‘above’ you, more intelligent than you. When the power dynamic feels set, fixed, and highly unnecessary. When you’ve been put in your place and are expected to remain there.

In 2019 I was sick in California with some sort of flu or respiratory problem that went on for many weeks. I was staying at a friend’s house, trying anything I could to get better, at least well enough to fly back to NYC. I had seen specialists, gone to doctors, but the virus was taking its time, running its course. The progress was slow and tedious. My ears were both completely blocked and I was exhausted.

On what became (thankfully) the last day of this episode, I got an Uber to an urgent care in Malibu. I remember when I pushed the door open, I felt an immediate sense of relief. The receptionists were laughing together, the lighting and decor of the waiting room was cozy and welcoming. The colors were calming. I signed in and took a seat. After a short time, the doctor appeared, wearing a Hawaiian shirt and board shorts under his white lab coat. My name was called and I walked towards him. He put up his hands and said, ‘before we get started, I just want to make it clear that I work for you! You’re in charge here!’ It was seemingly silly, but he immediately established a rule that squashed the scared patient/scary doctor power dynamic, easing any fear or expectations I might have brought in with me. He was humorous, kind, inquisitive, and it was clear that the other doctors, nurses, and office employees loved working with him. He was curious. He flushed out my ears with a warm salt water solution and I could hear again. He talked with me about what I had gone through, asked me about my life and my visit to California. I felt relief immediately and with his approval, I was on a plane to New York that very day.

I’m very lucky to have a doctor in NYC who treats his patients in the same sort of way. He asks questions, spends time getting to know us, asks about our lives, our work, our interests, our relationships, our families. We talk about art and music, travels and food. He is kind and attentive, he never makes me feel rushed. He is extremely curious, not only about symptoms and treatments, but about the patient as a whole person. He’s the best doctor I’ve ever had, and I recommend him as often as I can. Every new person that sees him tells me he is their new favorite doctor, too. He is rare and human, he knows how to make a person feel appreciated and seen.

I have seen many other doctors, as we all have, who don’t share this wonderful quality of curiosity. A few years ago, a friend recommended me to see his acupuncturist. I was excited to see this person, as my own acupuncturist (who I really loved) had recently retired. I walked into the waiting room, which was very beautiful. It all felt promising. When my name was called, I entered the suite and took a seat. She didn’t ask much, besides for a description of my current symptoms and needs, and while this is commonplace, what she did next really threw me off. Before the session began, she gave a long lecture explaining basic facts about acupuncture, human anatomy, and unsolicited wellness advice, information that a person seeking her support would have probably known already. It bothered me, but I wanted to see how she faired in the actual practice, so I let it go. The acupuncture itself was great, so before leaving, I scheduled my next appointment.

I returned for my second session, and this time, the unsolicited advice and lecturing started right away. It was unpleasant, having to sit there, pretending to learn something. I usually am better able to enter and stay within beginner’s mind, listening with fresh ears in case a new perspective presents itself. That was how I got through the first appointment. This however, was pushing beyond my limit. I was distracted by her complete lack of curiosity, by the assumptions and conclusions she had drawn from having only just met me. For some reason, she assumed I knew nothing, and concluded that I should be educated. I was starting to get annoyed because this also was taking up a lot of our session time. I tried to reiterate that I had been getting acupuncture for many years, that I knew about human anatomy, mental health, and practiced many of her suggestions already, but she showed no interest in my history and continued. Eventually we started the session, but the atmosphere had become uncomfortable. Before I arrived at her office I felt calm, but after this interaction, I found myself struggling to relax my body and silence my mind. I missed my old acupuncturist and wished I could see him again. After the session was complete, she shared more advice for the road. Maybe I could have given it one more try, but by that point I was feeling too frustrated. I never went back for another appointment.

• "Curiosity is, in great and generous minds, the first passion and the last."

• "Curiosity is the wick in the candle of learning."

• "Curiosity is one of the permanent and certain characteristics of a vigorous mind."

My friend who recommended her asked if I loved my sessions, noting that her counseling was perhaps the most valuable part of the appointment. I disagreed, saying that I found her to be condescending and more importantly, lacking in curiosity. I had no trouble admitting the acupuncture itself was undeniably professional, that she was obviously quite knowledgeable and could be someone to learn from, but it unfortunately had felt too awkward trying to navigate the dance of our difference in approach. I will say, because the acupuncture itself was helpful, and because her medical knowledge was so thorough, I have recommended her services to others, though with a brief warning attached. I would never say this to her, but I do wish she (and so many others) would take a wellness counseling course, just to brush up on the basics of respectful and appropriate advice dispersal, primarily the importance of asking questions to your clients, learning a little about their lives and habits so you can be of better service to them. Actually listening to them. I’m sure her intentions were positive, and she probably thought she was doing something helpful, and she absolutely could have been, but somewhere along the way of becoming an expert in her field, she was led to believe she was also an expert in communication, and the dynamic of control became so imbalanced, tipping over to the point now where anyone who enters her office is not taking care of themselves properly and not as smart as she is, so it’s her responsibility not only to offer acupuncture, but to guide, educate, and mentor us all. Some people might view her as someone to look up to, but I view her as someone lacking in curiosity, aiming to make her patients feel lesser than while she tries to help them feel their best. That to me is counterproductive.

What do we do in these situations of unnecessary power dynamics? Have you found yourself in similar ones? How do you tend to react or respond? I keep thinking about what my friend suggested, that these are reminders that we ‘need to advocate for ourselves.’ I’ve been asking myself how I’ve been helping to perpetuate these situations, not speaking up for myself, not being active in squashing those power struggles before they take shape. I think because it is in both my nature and nurture to both be private about my personal details and also to listen, I often find myself in a supporting/passive role when I would rather not be. It happens very quickly these days that someone will put me in a ‘student’ or ‘assistant’ or ‘mentee’ role with them, that a control dynamic will form between us, out of thin air, for no apparent reason. I listen kindly and patiently to their advice, guidance, lectures, explanations, stories, demands. They ask for favors and I do them. They don’t say please or thank you, as though they are doing me a favor, and for some reason, I end up thanking them for the opportunity. They don’t ask me questions about myself, I don’t offer any information. So how am I contributing to this dynamic? Perhaps my friend is right, that I am not advocating for myself as much as I could be, that I am partially responsible for allowing these situations to happen to me.

There are so many factors at play and explanations for these types of behaviors. We could analyze them each on a case by case basis and uncover a lot about the individual reasoning and intentions. I’ve wondered also about the influence of social media in these situations, if we’ve collectively adopted a new communication style. Social media as a platform is usually one-sided. As we scroll through videos and posts, there is one person on the screen explaining something, sharing their point of view like an infomercial. They aren’t having a conversation, they are doing a presentation, selling a point of view or a product, and it is our choice to either pause and listen or to keep scrolling. I’ve noticed in recent years that people have tended to adopt this communication style in real life social situations, speaking at someone, rather than speaking with them. With some friends and acquaintances, I’ve noticed a conversation can enter that ‘presentation mode’ rather quickly. Out of nowhere someone seems to be selling a perspective, showing little to no interest in external points of view.

The more this happens, I wonder if we’ve collectively forgotten how to talk with each other, how to ask questions, how to be patient, how to express or even know curiosity. I wonder if people sometimes behave in these ways because of feeling abandoned and disrespected by society, our government, by their communities, by the world, moving through life led by fear and a lack of control. Maybe this behavior helps them to feel safe in a world that feels otherwise chaotic. Maybe it is a defense mechanism learned in childhood because of parents or teachers who never paid attention or validated their thoughts. Maybe their intentions are actually positive and kind, but they don’t feel they have a platform to share their ideas. Maybe they feel alone, like nobody is truly listening to them. Maybe they never learned to trust.

I’ve tried to keep a positive outlook around these experiences because you never know the journey someone’s been on, the story of their lives that led them to be the adult they are today. You never know what’s happening in their personal life, what they’re going through on a day to day basis. It’s important to remember this, and it’s also important to maintain a balance around this treatment, to keep a gauge on the effect its having, and to advocate for ourselves when necessary.

I try to listen with kindness, to allow people the room and space they need to take up. I also need to recognize and remember that I can take up space, too, and perhaps I haven’t been allowing myself to take up the space I deserve, to stretch out and be myself, to use my voice and platforms to share my own knowledge and wisdom, to make it clear that I have things to offer. I believe I am an interesting and intelligent person, with an interesting story and useful insight to offer. As my friend said, ‘we need to advocate for ourselves.’ When her colleagues continue to shame her work, telling her she needs to do things the way they do instead of her new, efficient, upgraded way of doing things, she will advocate for herself. If a peer of mine is trying to educate me and give unsolicited advice without showing curiosity or getting to know me first, I can kindly let them know that it’s taken care of, and that I have things to offer, too. I think what these experiences really can do for us is offer powerful fuel and motivation, reminders to step more fully into our purpose and create the things we’re supposed to. If my peers aren’t seeing me as an equal, as a person of knowledge or an expert on their level, I can quietly acknowledge that as big motivation to do my work.

Is there any place in your life where you could benefit from advocating a bit more for yourself? Does any of this resonate with you?

Let’s continue to remind ourselves of these facts:

I am an interesting and intelligent person, with an interesting story and useful insight to offer.

I deserve to take up space.

I need to advocate for myself.

I remain curious, always.

In 2013, I took a 9 month course on therapeutic music and psychoacoustics. We had regularly scheduled sound meditations, and following them we would sit in silence and draw mandalas, often based on visuals we saw during the meditation, writing words that visited us, or that stayed with us based on our teacher’s presentation earlier in the day. On one of the first days of class, maybe on day one, I drew a tiny colorful nature landscape in an oval, and beneath it I wrote the words, ‘the essence of what you need is there inside you.’ After the course was completed and we took our mandalas home, I hung this one on the wall of my bedroom, under my light switch, so I could look at it every day. It still remains there, hanging on the wall, and this idea is as important to me as ever before. Everything we need is already inside us, we already have all the tools we need, all the wisdom we need. If anyone tries to make us feel otherwise, challenging our self esteem or belief in our own power, they are simply there as reminders - reminders to advocate for ourselves, that we are allowed to take up more space, that we have something worthy to offer, and the world is waiting to hear from us. The essence of what we need is already there, it’s up to us to develop and share it.

Thank you everyone for reading this message today. It helped me very much to put it into words and express it all to you. Share in the comments if you agree, have similar stories, or anything else you want to share. As always, I look forward to reading your words.

Have a wonderful day!!! And thank you again so so much for everything always. Stay kind, remain firm in your beliefs, advocate for yourself, and always remain curious. Remember you are at the helm, and everything you need is already there within you. <3