April is the Cruellest Month
My favorite time and the reasons behind
Hello, everyone!
***I started this post on Friday, and then I met Kristine for lunch and the Print Fair. Now I am back to complete the post***
Written on Friday:
How are you all doing? It’s 61 degrees and sunny here in NYC. I am nestled in my studio, though meeting a friend for lunch and a visit to the garden very soon. This morning, when it was colder, and without checking the weather for the day, I put on my floor length winter coat, a perfect companion for wind and subzero temperatures. Then I ventured out, walked over here to work, relieved to be protected. Hours later, now that the sun is shining through the window, I feel a bit silly and wishing I had a lighter jacket with me. Such is the way this season, and these days, in this city life of 2026. The question is, do I go outside in my shirt and jeans, at risk of feeling cold in the shade or unexpected air conditioning? Or do I embrace my misguided decision and put on my caterpillar-sleeping bag, at risk of overheating and imagined looks? It’s safe to say that it really doesn’t matter, in the scope of life it’s a lucky problem to have, and all will be fine no matter what. <3
Now that we’ve moved on from these basic logistics, I would love to share about April, which some of you might remember from years before is my favorite month, my favorite time of year.
‘April is the cruellest month, breeding
Lilacs out of the dead land, mixing
Memory and desire, stirring —’
These words from T.S. Eliot are the welcoming and resonant shepherd every year, and I find as their meaning changes for me, for us all, they somehow embed deeper into my being, and even with shifting meaning, they become more alive and true.
Continued now, Monday:
…. (I write you, overdressed for the weather once again, though feeling content)
Last night I was watching a favorite show, set in 18th century Cornwall. Two young lovers who adore each other, though only can be together clandestinely in the forest, he a humble country doctor and she a beautiful heiress, are meeting for the first time in seven months.
She: Seven months seemed an eternity.
He: Did my letters not satisfy you?
She: They evoked sadness and pleasure in equal measure.
The other day I was walking to the subway and the street which usually is more like a hallway on the way to another point, was lined with fully bloomed cherry blossoms. I paused and took in their majesty, feeling I was inside a painting or transported to a dream.
A few days later I made the same trek, excited to see the blossoms again, and met with the reality that their season had come and gone. The trees had gone back to being lowly branches, the scene went back to its regularity. I felt sad for a moment, and then remembered that flowers are not supposed to remain, they are meant as a gift for the present moment, to keep us rooted in remembrance of ever fleeting life. April is the cruellest month, beautiful in its sorrow, agonizing in its magic.
I thought for a moment that this post might be redundant, as I revisit this topic every year at this exact time, but I think its important to be redundant, and we should in fact change our relationship to the very idea that something could be said too much, too often, too many times, that there is something wrong with repetition, remembrance, revisiting. Every year in April, these words will surface again, as this energy and association does, as does the blossoms and the allergies. This is just the way it is.
I do want to share some previous posts though, because I feel there are words and sounds within them that you will like, whether you were present when they were born here on Substack, or joining our community here for the first time now.
So please enjoy these posts below, which explore April, our truly beloved season, the real and honest ‘happy new year,’ the start of the earthly cycle, the true season of love, Holy Week, a time for lighting candles, Poetry Month and Earth Month, April, our beloved and most cruel. <3 <3 <3 <3
April 22 is Earth Day of course, April 24 is Arbor Day, April 30 is Poem in Your Pocket Day, and throughout the whole of April we observe celebrations of nature, humanity, poetry, and the written word in its various forms. Please let this always be true and never forgotten.
Here are my April posts from last year, equipped with video readings of nature poetry and a conversation and plant meditation with our friend Modern Biology .
And here is from 2024:
“When T.S. Eliot wrote those words about April, he was talking about many things observed in post WWI London, the strange fruitlessness of modern life, the despairing ruins, fear and bleakness shaping the future of our world. April as something cruel and punishing because it starts over the cycle of things, the meaningless new beginnings of hurt and sadness, grief and failure. Maybe in subtle ways there are offers of hope at the end of The Waste Land, (I sat upon the shore/Fishing, with the arid plain behind me/Shall I at least set my lands in order?) hints of light extending a familiar hand, if not shouting then at least whispering not to give up, to keep stepping forward in our old boots, to remain faithful and purposeful, continuing to access that warm and beautiful glow inside us all which is love. To remember that love is always there, it’s the very thing that puts the light of life into our eyes. To remember that we are not separate from it all, to remember that we are protected and connected, that we actually are it all.”
What is the root of the word? Where did it stem from?
leaves who have died are memorialized
by the growth of new ones in their place
animals emerge from their hibernation,
almost ready to begin afresh
the groundwork and foundation ever evolving
ever cycling, again and again
it never stops, nothing ever truly stops -
April 9-12 was the IFPDA Print Fair, and I was joyed to attend the opening preview as a friend and collaborator had a beautiful booth there. The show was incredible - and I wished I could have gone each day from morning to evening, taking in every wall. I know I only was able to see a small fraction of what hung on the walls, and still it was fulfilling and wonderful.
Keeping on this visual theme, on April 10 I attended the Society of Illustrators award ceremony for their 68th Annual Exhibition. I was there representing my friend Daniel Kondo, a graphic artist and illustrator based in Brazil. One of his pieces was part of the show, so I was there as his eyes and ears, paying homage to his print and keeping it company during the event just as it also did for me.
That afternoon before the event, I also visited a beautiful Greek Orthodox Church with my friend Kristine. I lit a candle for my mom, and another for a traveling friend. The cherry blossoms were in full bloom in the cemetery. It was a moment of pure, authentic breath and peace. On the way out, I stepped on a rose that had been seemingly forgotten on the floor. I placed the rose on a Bible and took a photo. Then I took the fallen petal beside it home with me and placed it in a frame.
On Saturday, we had the closing party for the Every Woman Biennial at Pen & Brush, where I serve proudly on the Advisory Board and also as regular admirer and friend. Seeing everyone that night was medicine to my heart, and I am very much looking forward to the next exhibit. I was able to get two packages/pieces from the art vending machine before the close of the night, a ‘collection kit’ from Nina Yankovic, and a framed portrait by Angelique E. Anderson, both of which I love.
Please visit if you are able sometime. Here is a post from our friend Misfit-The Rambling Raconteur, with some information about the exhibit, the gallery, and the non-profit behind it all:
So what is next? We have Earth Day at the Elizabeth Street Garden, I will definitely do another LIVE of nature poetry like last year, and we of course have our NY International Antiquarian Book Fair April 30 - May 3, of which I serve proudly as their Founding Ambassador. If you are in NYC, please save the dates, join for the fair, and please if you are able, try to attend my annual panel discussion/presentation on Saturday (May 2) at 11am. Stay tuned - I will share much more about this all in the next post. <3
What are your thoughts and feelings on April? If you had the chance to explore the other posts I shared, were there poems or words that you especially enjoyed today? Please share any thoughts or ideas at all. As always, I will be so happy to read them.
Sending lots of love to everyone. :)))
Happy April!
When spring comes,
If I’ve already died,
The flowers will bloom in the same way
And the trees won’t be less green than they were last Spring.
Reality doesn’t need me.
I feel incredibly happy
When I think my death has absolutely no importance.
If I knew I was going to die tomorrow,
And Spring came the day after tomorrow,
I would die peacefully, because it came the day after tomorrow.
If that’s its time, when else should it come?
I like it that everything is real and everything is right;
And I like that it would be like this even if I didn’t like it.
And so, if I die now, I die peacefully
Because everything is real and everything is right.
They can pray in Latin over my coffin if they want to.
It’s alright with me if they dance and sing all around it.
I don’t have any preferences about when I won’t even be able to have preferences.
What comes, when it comes, will be what it is.
Fernando Pessoa, by way of Alberto Caeiro
I love April too, it use to carry grief for me and my family. My Uncle had died on April 8th, which also happened to be so close to Easter that year. It was a confusing time for me as a child. But then my son was born on that same date in 2011, and with his birth sprang up new hope. So, as each April comes with the weather changes and plant life beginning again, I find the joy in all the change that April brings. I hope you get to enjoy the sunshine and flowers today Jesse🌸
First of all, thank you so much for sharing my post here:) It was an amazing exhibition, and I am looking forward to attending the opening of the next one at the end of the month. I am also looking forward to the Antiquarian Book Fair - my third one now!
The remainder of April is set to be extremely busy for me, as, on top of my job "Running an Empire," as my friend Colette calls it (aka a telemedicine practice), I am moving apartments! Just to another one in my building around the back, which will hopefully be less noisy. Later in the year, I hope to be moving back to the city - talking of the city, I will be staying there while I am moving, yet another challenge lol. I am convinced I can do it in a few hours - famous last words:))
Thank you for another thoughtful and thought-provoking post, and for your support:)