Nearing the Close of October
How are you doing?
Hello everyone,
I hope you had a good week and you’re feeling well. As I’ve mentioned in previous posts, this is the time of year when I get more contemplative than usual and tend to retreat a bit from the outside world. There are new layers of cobwebs on my brain and a heavier weight of emotional gravity, so I need extra silence and space to reflect, to fall deeply with trust into the familiar well, to write and play piano in privacy and secret solitude before doing too much public output or shared expression. This year is no exception. If I didn’t have things like music and Substack, I might be more of a hermit and find you again in mid-November, however, as you know, I cherish having this community, and it’s a gift to have a warm hearted place to stay accountable and connected with society. <3
“You expected to be sad in the fall. Part of you died each year when the leaves fell from the trees and their branches were bare against the wind and the cold, wintery light.” - Ernest Hemingway
I know many of us feel this way, with our own personal reasons, connected with grief and memories, anniversaries, or the general energy surrounding us. It makes extra sense during this major shift of the season, the climate, the weather, the light. Everything is exaggerated, spotlighted, amplified in that particular autumnal way. We fall subconsciously into the moves of nature. Into this strange mix of intense slowness and intense change. Things are suddenly ending and we find ourselves even faster in prep-mode. Wild animals anticipate the changes and go into preparation, too. Some for long travel, others for a long and restorative sleep. The foliage shows its range of colors, and we marvel at the annual show, knowing the leaves will eventually turn to brown and release from their trees, covering the ground with the familiar image that reminds us of the past, of change, of death, the beginning signs of transformation - the earth wearing its beautiful coat. And we cover ourselves with one too, hiding from the elements, protecting our bodies, readying our shields. Sunlight starts to dissipate, and we see less of it. We see less of each other. We travel inward without warning, witnessing new and unexpected details surrounding our inner workings. We spend more time alone - in the quiet, in the cold, in the dark, inside. Struggles that always existed take the forefront. New struggles emerge as we listen more closely to what lies within us. We battle allergies and sicknesses, trying to keep our immune systems strong, our alert systems up, seeking quick refuge at the sound of a sneeze. Our senses on high. External/internal sensory overload. So much is happening and productivity is expected to remain unchanged. In fact, as it gets darker and colder and the notion of holidays draws closer, it’s expected to get higher and we’re expected to do more. We are doing less and yet we’re doing more.
Does any of this resonate with you today?
“At no other time (than autumn) does the earth let itself be inhaled in one smell, the ripe earth; in a smell that is in no way inferior to the smell of the sea, bitter where it borders on taste, and more honeysweet where you feel it touching the first sounds. Containing depth within itself, darkness, something of the grave almost.” ― Rainer Maria Rilke
This of course is not all that autumn is about, the world is not so black and white, just as the autumn season looks and feels different all over the country and the world. There can be countless ups and downs within a season as within a day. We can enjoy the autumnal splendor of fall AND be navigating through heavy times. We can pause to savor a precious moment while anticipating the future. It’s a lot to carry and navigate, and some days are tougher than others. All the days though, the rough ones and the nice ones, have their magic and their lessons, and today is no exception.
How are you feeling? I wanted to do a post for a bit of a check in. I’ll start:
Nearing the Close of October Questions
Name: Jesse Paris Smith
Date, Time, Location: Friday October 25 at 8pm, New York City
How are you feeling today: I am feeling sleepy and my body hurts a bit.
What are you listening to: It’s very quiet and all I can hear at the moment is the ticking of my watch and my finger tips typing on the computer keys. The occasional murmur of the subway under the floor or a siren in the far distance.
Any other sensory elements around you: I like to have candles going while I work and I got a new one called 'The Woods.’ It’s scented with juniper, patchouli, and cedar wood. The scent is subtle, with coconut and apricot wax carried in a terra cotta bowl. I love candles. It’s so nice to be warmed by a small personal fire and watch the flame move with the air as I think, like a lively writing companion cheering me on.
What are you working on: Two music projects (a studio job and practicing for a live show) while preparing for work in November. There is a lot going on right now and feels heavy because of navigating personal terrain and making decisions alone, but I’m doing the best I can. <3
What was the best part of the day today: Around 2:50pm I was feeling a little rushed and low energy after an appointment. I had to get the 6 train and realized I was right near Grand Central. ‘Yes’ I thought, ‘that’s exactly what I need.’ I crossed 42nd street, pushed through the swinging doors, walked down into the main concourse, took a breath, and looked up to the painted celestial ceiling. I found a spot and stood still there for a moment, thinking about how wonderful it was to be there without any reason besides to admire the structure and observe the energies of all the people who found themselves there for all different purposes - some in a rush to travel some place, some arriving to New York from somewhere else, looking for a friend, taking photos, some working, some lost, and some just being - standing still for a moment like I was. I love that feeling, when you feel so anonymous but also part of something, that strange sensation of interconnectedness and insignificance. When it strikes that particular balance that feels peaceful in a slightly unexplainable way. I love that.
Something happened after this - a simple gesture that also struck me. I had been to the bank earlier, and without a large enough bag with me, I put some folded paperwork into my back pocket, which I knew at the time was really not a great idea. When I got out of the subway, I was crossing the street and heard someone yell, ‘excuse me,’ though for some reason didn’t realize it was a message for me. I kept walking, and after a moment I heard it again, and then again, until a person ran and presented themselves before me. A teenage boy, catching his breath, took an earbud out and said, ‘you dropped this,’ holding out my bank paperwork. I was stunned and took it, thanking him profusely as he went back across the street. I was equal parts horrified at myself for dropping the papers, and thankful/touched at his effort to get them back to me. A lesson learned and a reminder of kindness.
After that, it was nice to have a short visit with my friend Tenzin Choegyal who is in town for another week from Australia. He brought me a tiny jar of Vegemite. :)
What was the hardest part of the day today: I didn’t feel very good when I woke up this morning and it took a while to get out of bed. I had wanted to get an extra early start today so I was a little frustrated, but I allowed myself the extra sleep and eventually mustered the strength needed to get the day going.
What are you excited about: I got a large round folding table for my workspace, and I’m going to use it as a place to organize/edit printed writing and also to do artistic/creative projects, the first being one for you all. I’m making a collection of greeting cards to mail to my paid subscribers, encouraging us all to engage more fully in cold weather card and letter writing. My dear friends at Kin Ship Goods are helping me with this, along with some other collaborations we’re working on.
What are you grateful for today: Any extra moments - right now they feel less frequent and I’m grateful for any small moments of pause or in-between time. I’m also grateful to my friend Lauren for helping me carry the new folding table from the post office and assemble it with me. And of course, I am grateful for you all.
Is there anything else you would like to accomplish today: I’d like to schedule a Substack post for tomorrow and practice piano for another hour.
What are you looking forward to for tomorrow: Tomorrow I will spend some extra time with my Mom as we haven’t seen each other much lately, and also I would like to practice music for a good handful of uninterrupted hours. I would like to end the day tomorrow feeling confident and relaxed about the progress I’ve made and the direction things are moving in. I also hope that I feel physically better and more well rested.
What’s something you can do a little better tomorrow than you did today: I definitely didn’t drink enough water today, so tomorrow I will prioritize hydration more. I also need to prioritize a few people who deserve more focused attention.
What can you let yourself be proud of today: I’m proud of the way I’m navigating overwhelming terrain, reminded of resiliency and the strength of my heart. I’m doing my best every day, even if my best is not always my greatest. I’m proud of little victories here and there, which we so often forget to acknowledge. It’s easy to overlook all the things we accomplish in a day, thinking we didn’t do enough, that our efforts weren’t the right ones, or weren’t good enough. When we pause and look at the things we do, when we choose to be kinder to ourselves, we can usually find that we’re doing better than we give ourselves credit for. And if we find when we pause that we really could do better, that there are things we really would like to change, that realization and commitment is a victory in itself to celebrate.
What is a quote/affirmation that resonates with you today: ‘We are holding our own.’
How are you feeling now: Hopeful and sleepy. Ready for a good rest and to see what tomorrow brings. <3
Okay, now it’s your turn. The questions are below. You can answer any or all of them in the comments, or privately on your own, in a notebook or at your computer, you can send them to a friend or loved one to let them know what’s happening in your life at the moment, or what you could use some support with. You can answer them as an exercise with a friend, family member, spouse, or colleague. You can use them as something to think about throughout the weekend, or as a new daily routine in the morning or at night. You can modify them, too. You can also send them to me in a direct message if you would prefer. I will be so happy to read them in any format. Anything that feels helpful. <3
“And I rose
In rainy autumn
And walked abroad in a shower of all my days...”
― Dylan Thomas
Nearing the Close of October Questions
Name:
Date, Time, Location:
How are you feeling today:
What are you listening to:
Any other sensory elements around you:
What are you working on:
What was the best part of the day today:
What was the hardest part of the day today:
What are you excited about:
What are you grateful for today:
Is there anything else you would like to accomplish today:
What are you looking forward to for tomorrow:
What’s something you can do a little better tomorrow than you did today:
What is a quote/affirmation that resonates with you today:
How are you feeling now:
“He found himself wondering at times, especially in the autumn, about the wild lands, and strange visions of mountains that he had never seen came into his dreams.”
― J.R.R. Tolkien
Thank you so very much for reading along and for sharing your answers or any thoughts you would like to discuss. I hope you have a wonderful and restful weekend. Please be safe and be kind as we can to ourselves and each other. <3
“I love the autumn—that melancholy season that suits memories so well. When the trees have lost their leaves, when the sky at sunset still preserves the russet hue that fills with gold the withered grass, it is sweet to watch the final fading of the fires that until recently burnt within you.” ― Gustave Flaubert
I love this weeks quotes, especially by Tolkien and Flaubert. I am sitting in my room beneath the skylight writing and looking forward to having dinner with my daughter.
Autumn is a beautiful sacred time for me. I was born in Autumn. Both sets of my Grandparents were born in Autumn. I share the same November birthday as my father's mother. I was married in October on a gorgeous day filled with golds and reds and promises. My mammogram and Oncology appointments for Breast Cancer ( which, knock on wood was crushed) are in Autumn. Autumn is when Americans Vote. I find this to be profound as well. Autumn is the time on earth of the meeting of sacred and profound. The dying before the rebirth. The going inward to discover hidden things previously undiscovered or purposely hidden to protect. The moons are brighter in darker skies. The air is perfumed with the fire sent up from ancient trees felled by chainsaws and butchered with Axes to warm our broken hearts while we drink tea and coax our cats on our laps.What the dark hearted souls will never understand is that our childlessness is sometimes a bane to the soul that only a cat's soul can fix. It is a time to read Shirley Jackson and pray for her soul which was so sad on earth and read Come to the Edge by Christina Haag and mourn her losses and trace her nostalgia. It is time for me to wear homemade perfume of rose and frankincense and to allow my own losses to be felt deeply with unencumbered shame and pain as I watch dementia take its skeletal cold hands and slowly crush everything my mother ever knew or loved. It is a time where I feel what I have discovered what is called something along the lines of Pregrief for my aging father who is a brave roaring lion alongside me as we watch over his wife and my mother. It is my flat black grief knowing my father votes for the dark souled ones who make fun of my ilk while he loves me. These feelings are the epitome of the cruelty and beauty of Autumn. The light is bright and sparkling and crisp during the day, yet as we bask in the beauty of the colors which turn into the colors Ancient Kings and Queens wore, we know what is coming. And what is coming is the shutting down, the long sleep and the death of everything we love now. We know this and this is why we feel so deeply maudlin and nostalgiac and deeply sacred. Autumn is the most sacred. It is not the chirpiness of Spring like the munchkins emerging from munchkin land. It is not the sordid suffocating heat and burning brightness of Summer where hiding from the Sun is nearly impossible. It is not the Calleach, the Beara, the Maeve the Garavogue who walks the moors and forests of Winter protecting the woodland creatures from the cold storms she creates. Autumn is the true in between. Light and Dark. Life and Death. Love and Hate. Fear and Courage. What is Sacred and What is False. And for me, there is a terrible beauty in the discovery of it all. Much love for you Jesse and for all of us in Autumn's in between.